I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You
by EMPG22HoPe
Summary: Lucy attempts to prank Lorcan by trapping him in the Shrieking Shack for the whole weekend. Her plan backfires when she gets locked in with him.


**I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You  
** by _EMPG22HoPe_

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 _Anything you can do, I can do better  
I can do anything better than you_

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It all started with a prank gone wrong.

Lucy Weasley has always wanted to be like her joker of an uncle, George. But she knew she still had a long way to go before she can pull up anything brilliant. Of course, she _thought_ she had—until it backfired so quickly.

Inviting her rival in all manner of academic standing, Lorcan Scamander, to the Shrieking Shack during a Hogsmeade weekend was perhaps one of the most brilliant plans she could ever come up with.

They had debated on which brave witch or wizard could stay longer in the dusty old building that towered over Hogsmeade. Of course, they both raced towards the Shrieking Shack, and Lucy, forgetting about the trap she spent _hours_ placing on the building, managed to get caught in the crossfire of things.

Now here they were, both stuck and rigidly cold in the dark and uncomfortably dank bedroom in the Shack that was splayed in many ruins… with _no way_ out. The spell she and her friends cast to trap Lorcan inside was full-proof. No other spell can help them out unless they used the specific counter-spell of the ones she used. He wouldn't be able to get out at least until Monday.

But now _she_ couldn't get out at least until Monday.

"Oh, brilliant thinking, _Weasley_!" Lorcan exclaimed as he tried to prop the jammed windows open with his own hands. Using a wand earlier had been fruitless in his attempt. "Lock us up in here together to freeze our cold arses."

"It was only supposed to be _you_!" Lucy shrieked at him, trying to remember the counter-spell as she paced the cramped space. Damn her and her arrogance for not bothering to learn it, knowing that the spell would come off days from now anyway.

Lorcan flicked his cinnamon colored bangs out of the way of his forehead in frustration. He whirled to meet her gaze "Oh, honestly! Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society."

"Says the boy who couldn't shut his bloody trap while I figure out a way to get us out of here!" Lucy fired back, looking vexed. "If you hadn't been complaining this whole time, we could have figured out a way out of here."

"If you hadn't been such an egotistical little brat, neither of us would even be here in the first place!" Lorcan hissed at her, giving up on the blasted window and smacking his hand uselessly against the wooden boards of it.

Lucy hated to admit that he was right about _that part_ at the very least. Her pride got the better of her, and it backfired so fast, she wondered how her uncle never got caught in any pranks himself. She had deliberately ignored the number one rule of pranking the first time around: _never be near the scene of the crime_.

Uncle George would be very disappointed in her.

She plopped herself across the dusty fireplace across the room. With a wave of her wand, she cast a spell of small flames towards the damp woods. To her surprise, the woods ignited, giving the room some warmth.

"At least you still have a brain in that ruddy head of yours." Lorcan scoffed, sitting beside her as far as he could while still being close to the warmth of the fire.

"Oh, do shut up." Lucy snapped at him. "My friends will realize what's taking me so long. It won't be forever till' they figure things out, and they'll be up here to rescue us soon."

Lorcan shook his head. "You try _way_ too hard to look cool, Weasley. If you think a little prank like this is gonna make you top of the class, you're wrong."

Lucy frowned at him. "You don't know _anything_ about me. You have no idea what the pressure is like. My dad—"

-would never forgive her. Disappointing Percy Weasley was the last thing Lucy wanted to do.

A mocking laugh came from Lorcan. "You think disappointing your father's just as worst? Try disappointing your great-great grandfather."

She never thought much of it before. Maybe that was why they always tried to excel so much to the point of deliberately sabotaging each other for it. They had names to uphold.

The Weasley clan is known for being the "saviors of the wizarding world" and "the best pranksters". And Lorcan? He was a _Scamander_ , for Merlin's sake. They each had their own kind of pressure, their own familial situations to uphold. No wonder they got along much when it comes to competitiveness in class.

"It sucks, doesn't it?" Lucy asked a little less haughtily this time. "Having to live up to our family's expectations…"

Lorcan scoffed, but it was a scoff of agreement. "Truce?"

"At least until my friends get here." Lucy said with a grin.

They conversed for the most part, finding something to talk about other than trying to beat each other at all their classes.

When her friends finally came to rescue them, however, Lucy found herself entangled in Lorcan's arms. The two jumped apart. She didn't realize she had fallen asleep, and neither did he.

The next morning was awkward. Usually, they sat across from each other on the Gryffindor table to argue. But today, both parties were silent until Lorcan spoke.

"We need to talk about what happened last night."

Lucy rolled her eyes as she flipped her fiery red hair back. "Don't tell me you're suddenly in love with me, Scamander."

"I'd tell you I love you, but then I'd have to kill you." Lorcan replied smoothly, a wide grin on his face.

She laughed before meeting his gaze. "You're lucky you won't have to."

Their moments in the Shrieking Shack would forever be under lock and key. Until one of them has to use it against the other for blackmail, that is. They were back to being rivals again.

* * *

 **Prompt(s):**

 **Fanfiction Writing Month:** 1,003 words **  
Dragon Breeding Club:** Norwegian Ridgeback - Livia  
 **Northern Hogwarts FunFair:** Tunnel of Love - Pirate Ship #8 (LockedIn!AU)  
 **Eastern Hogwarts FunFair:** Hook A Ship - D8 (Lorcan Scamander/Lucy Weasley)

 **Fanfiction Resolutions Challenge**

46\. Go to Goodreads, find the most ridiculous title you can. Use it as inspiration. If you can't find one, one of the mods will help!

 **Insane House Challenge**

158\. (location) The Shrieking Shack

 **365 Prompts Challenge**

105\. Dialogue - "We need to talk about what happened last night."

 **Writing Club**

4\. (word) Rival ( _Character Appreciation: Draco_ )

5\. Qitou: (location) Shrieking Shack ( _Creature Feature_ )

9\. Shishi: (plot point) a prank gone wrong ( _Creature Feature_ )

2\. "Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society." ( _Lo's Lowdown: Dialogue Prompts_ )

 **[Summer] Seasonal Challenge**

(dialogue) "You try way too hard to look cool." ( _Summer Prompts_ )

Cinnamon ( _Colour Prompts_ )

(word) Rescue ( _Star Chart - Summer Astronomy Prompts_ )

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 **AN:** I've never written for Lucy and Lorcan, so I apologize in advance if it's a bit suck-ish. I hope it was a good read, at the very least. Lorcan and Lucy are both 15 here, in case anyone's wondering.

Thank you so much for reading! Leave me a review to let me know your thoughts. :')

 _EMPG22HoPe_


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